


Funyarinpa, the Great and Terrible

by spacedaydreamer



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Gen, also the funyrinpa is apparently an all-powerful vengeful god, because even safe!junpei deserves some crack fics from time to time, he's making up a story of the funyarinpa to be a troll, safe end!junpei au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9146833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacedaydreamer/pseuds/spacedaydreamer
Summary: Lotus has brought home a new wall print, but Nona and Ennea have no idea what it is. Junpei has found a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (safe end!junpei AU, good old fashioned crack and funyarinpas)





	

“…What do you think it is?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Is it.. abstract?”

_“I don’t know…”_

Junpei walked into the living room of the house, finding Nona and Ennea deep in conversation. They were staring at this weird print- it had a bunch of black and white shapes on it, and Junpei had no possible idea what it could be. They both turned to look at him when he entered, matching pensive looks on their faces.

“Junpei, what do you think this is? Mom said she found it earlier today, and that it was a picture of something; but she won’t tell us what.”

He crossed his arms in thought, about to try giving an honest answer- but wait, this was a perfect opportunity. Shrugging his shoulders, he gave a confident smirk.

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s a Funyarinpa.”

“A… Funyarinpa?”

It was almost comical how they both gave him the same confused look at the same time- definitely twins, those two.

“What, you mean you don’t know? You’ve never heard of the Funyarinpa? Not knowing about the Funyarinpa… that’s practically blasphemous!”

Nona tilted her head in curiosity, clearly taking the bait. Junpei wasn’t sure if Ennea was falling for it too, but at the very least she wasn’t stopping him.

“Um… where exactly do you see a Funyarinpa on this, Junpei?”

“Right here, obviously.” He traced an area that made no discernable creature, before turning to look at her again with crossed arms. “Can’t you see it? Right there, that’s the Funyarinpa.”

“Alright, then…. What exactly _is_ the Funyarinpa?”

Alright, now we’re getting into the big questions. Keep it casual Junpei, don’t let them know you’re completely bullshitting them…

“To not even know… I suppose the Funyarinpa really has been forgotten by most. This is truly tragic…”

“Junpei? You’re not really answering me.”

“The Funyarinpa is a powerful old god, from thousands of years ago. It’s might and terror survived through ancient oral tradition- are you seriously telling me you’ve never heard of it?”

Nona was genuinely interested now, eyes lighting up in curiosity. Ennea was still a skeptic, as per usual, but Junpei could see the hints of interest on her face too.

“Well then, tell us a story about it. Surely an old god like the Funyarinpa’s gotta have a couple legends about it, right?”

Junpei nodded, smug look on his face hiding the fact that his mind was racing furiously to come up with the proper bullshit story to tell them. He took maybe a second more than he wanted to, but he was still able to think up something good pretty fast.

“Obviously. There’s a couple, but the main story of the Funyarinpa goes like this:

Thousands of years ago, there was a small village. The people were good and kind, and yet they had been plagued by a terrible curse. Their crops would die, their water had soured, and the villagers would grow sick and weary one by one. The villagers would plead to their gods, giving their offerings and their prayers, but none would heed their calls. Their gods had forsaken them for reasons unknown, leaving them with only their curse to bemoan their fates.

The villagers grew discouraged and depressed, yet despite this one sole priest continued to pray. He had been given a gift that gave him the ability to contact the gods- even though they wouldn’t listen, he never gave up. The plague continued for months, until finally, the priest grew desperate. He decided his last chance was to call upon the mighty Funyarinpa, the forbidden god.

The priest prepared the ritual and called the Funyarinpa to his village, hardly able to behold the terrible power of the elder god. The pure power that the Funyarinpa radiated was almost enough to end the priest’s life, but he persevered, and begged the Funyarinpa to save his village. Amused by the persistence of this small mortal, the Funyarinpa agreed- but at a price. It demanded that every year, on that exact date, one person from the village give their life in exchange for the Funyarinpa’s protection. If they should fail to remember, then the village would suffer a fate worse than death, it warned. Still, the priest agreed, telling the village of the deal before becoming the first sacrifice, saving his village.

The people were wary of the priest’s choice, but they could not despair. They were saved, after all- and so, they upheld the priest’s deal for many years. However, as time went by, the people began to forget the curse. They grew angry at the Funyarinpa, who demanded so much of them yet seemed to give nothing in return. And so, there came a year where they refused to give it the proper tribute.

The Funyarinpa warned them that they would regret their choice if there was no sacrifice, but still they refused. It grew angry, showing of it’s horrifying power, but still, they would not budge. Enraged by the ungrateful people who had forgotten its aid, the Funyarinpa cursed the land once more. The crops would not grow, the water had soured, and the people would slowly wither. However, they would not die- no, when they were weakest, they would be brought to the domain of the Funyarinpa, to serve it for eternity.

The people had realized their mistakes, but it was too late. The village was eventually erased off the map, and their story was passed on as a warning for the future.”

Nona and Ennea were visibly enraptured as Junpei finished up his story, completely buying every last detail about the Funyarinpa. Junpei had to resist the urge to pat himself on the shoulder- he was genuinely impressed by his fake storytelling skills.

“So, yeah. That’s the legend of the Funyarinpa. I’ve always assumed it was supposed to be one of those ‘careful what you wish for’ stories; seeing as it _is_ supposed to be a god of hubris.”

Nona was about to speak, when Lotus walked into the room, surprised to see them gathered around the print.

“Oh, what do you guys think of it? Have you seen what it’s a picture of, yet?”

“Yeah, it’s a Funyarinpa!”

Lotus gave Nona a confused stare, before noting the incredibly smug look on Junpei’s face. She sighed, and shook her head.

“….It’s a dog. Junpei, what the hell did you tell them?”

“Hey, not my fault they believed it. I was just having fun.”

Nona looked a bit sad that the legend of the Funyarinpa was completely made up, but Ennea just gave him an amused stare.

“Next time, maybe try Seven. I’ll bet you could keep him going, even if he _did_ know it was a dog.”

“You know, you might be right. I’ll give it a shot, Ennea.”

Lotus only sighed again, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation.

“…I give up. Call it whatever you want, it’ll make for a conversation starter.”

“Heh, will do.”

Oh, Junpei was totally going to milk his Funyarinpa thing for all it was worth, without a doubt.

**Author's Note:**

> So this happened as a result of an RP between me and a friend, in which Junpei showed another character a small portrait of the Funyarinpa that he apparently keeps on his person at all times for the express purpose of trolling. Even when highkey depressed, safe!Junpei still has time for jokes,,,, plus, a Junpei who doesn't know the funyarinpa is just a sad thought, for me.


End file.
